Into the Truth
by Angel Leviathan
Summary: We’re at war, Elizabeth. You and I both know we don’t want to do this and we don’t want to cause harm, but we have people to protect.


Title: Into the Truth

Author: Angel Leviathan

Spoilers: **Michael**

Disclaimer: Stargate Atlantis, characters, concept, etc, aren't mine.

Notes: Tag to Michael.

* * *

She couldn't sleep. No big surprise for her recently, she'd been waking up jolted awake from nightmares for a few weeks already. Nightmares ranging from the city being destroyed to finding herself roaming the corridors completely alone, somehow knowing everyone was already dead. Elizabeth had been offered sleeping pills and declined. She didn't like knowing that something was regulating how she functioned, and besides, she remembered briefly being on them in college and swore the damn things affected her breathing. She was wandering the halls of Atlantis, in only her pyjamas, long cotton trousers and a strap top, finding it strange she wasn't even a little cold. She found herself in the Infirmary before she knew it, and knew what she would find there. Elizabeth smiled slightly as she approached the desk at the back of the room, quietly. 

Carson was sound asleep at his desk, slumped over slightly, head supported by a propped up elbow.

She blinked and noticed his computer was still running, cursor blinking back at her. She leant over and saved the document he was working on, then proceeded to shut the system down. He didn't stir in the slightest. Elizabeth leant against the desk and gently laid a hand on his shoulder, calling him, voice soft, "Carson?"

He muttered something unintelligible, but remained asleep.

"Carson?" she raised her voice a little and increased the pressure on his shoulder.

He opened his eyes and blinked several times, eyes adjusting to the light. Glancing up, Carson frowned, "Elizabeth. What're ye doing here at this time of the morning?"

She tried a stern look, "I could ask the same of you," she chastised, "I'm hearing more and more of you working all night and being found asleep here at your desk. You have to rest, you have to take a break…"

Carson stood up, "And why are you awake at this hour, pray tell?"

She narrowed her eyes, "Don't change the subject, Carson."

"I see you in that office of yours, working all hours, and I know ye work in your quarters when ye say you're going to sleep. Elizabeth, love, I hardly think you're in a position to lecture me on taking a break…" he countered, keeping his voice gentle.

Elizabeth moved as if to rest her hands on her hips, but caught his gaze and checked herself, opting to fold them instead, "Alright. Maybe we need to take each other's advice more often," she answered in clipped tones, as if she were amused, despite herself, annoyance at being caught out creeping into her voice.

"Aye, that we do," he answered, slight smile on his face.

She sighed, "Commissary? Cup of coffee before we both try to get some sleep?" she suggested.

Carson nodded, "Sounds good," he started off after her as she began to wander through the Infirmary, "But coffee'll do the sleeping plan no good."

"Tea then."

"Tea has more caffeine than coffee."

Elizabeth glanced back at him, feigning exasperation, "Warm milk then, okay?"

"Don't take that tone with me, young lady," he parried, unable to hide his smile.

She returned the smile, "Don't tempt me to leave you at your desk and have someone like Ronon discover you in the morning…"

"I have a feeling that would be a rather unpleasant awakening…"

"That it would…"

* * *

They were seated alongside one of the huge glass windows, two mugs of a compromise of milky coffee in their hands, as the first hint of dawn started to show. 

Elizabeth took a sip of her coffee, expression sombre, "…I wrote a letter to Sergeant Cole's family today…" she said softly.

"…What did you say?" he asked, hesitant.

She wouldn't make eye contact, "…The usual. That he died in the line of duty, protecting others. That he was a good man and an excellent soldier and it was a pleasure to know him…" her words sounded hollow even to herself. How many times she had had to compose the same sort of letter, she had lost count. She had managed to keep track of how many at first, before the number surpassed any she could remember and stay sane.

Carson nodded, silently. He glanced out the window, "…I should write to his family."

Elizabeth tilted her head, "And say what?" her voice was a little harsh and she actually bit her tongue to try and stop herself.

He looked back at her, "That I put in motion the events that killed him? That I'm sorry? That I never meant for any of this to happen?"

She shook her head, "You did not put these events in motion. I signed the forms. I gave the orders. I said to release Michael and I said to use the virus on him in the first place.

"Aye, after I badgered ye about it for weeks."

"That's beside the point," she sighed, frustrated.

He took a sip of his coffee, "I disagree."

"It was defence," she stated.

Carson's gaze softened, "…Tell me you believe that after everything that's happened."

She looked away, "…What are we supposed to do then? Just sit here and let them come to us? That's what we did last time and look where it got us. It was a risk, it was a test and we made a mistake…"

"I started this experiment and people are ending up dead because of it."

Elizabeth looked back at him, sharply, "I lead this mission and people are dead because of it."

He leant back, recoiling as if slapped, stunned.

She shifted uncomfortably and hid behind her coffee mug as she drank some more.

"…Don't tell yourself that, lass…" Carson said softly.

Elizabeth stared at the table, eyes hidden by stray curls that fell across her face, "…But that's just it," her voice was rough, "I can sit here and tell you you're not to blame and honestly believe every word; it doesn't mean you stop feeling guilty or stop blaming yourself. And you can say I'm not responsible for any of the deaths here and it won't stop me knowing I am…" she looked up, "What are we doing here, Carson? Were we like this before we came here? Would have done any of this in other circumstances?"

He reached for her hand, covering it, "…The instincts to survive and protect are powerful things," he exhaled slowly, "…Michael said we had no right to do what we did to him. Which on most levels is true. But would the Wraith hesitate to kill or experiment on us? Doubtful. It doesn't make it right, but it makes a viable argument. We're at war, Elizabeth. You and I both know we don't want to do this and we don't want to cause harm, but we have people to protect. You have people to protect. And if making a decision to try and save many goes awry then…we're both guilty…"

Elizabeth looked up, "Carson?"

He was silent, but nodded for her to continue.

"I need you to tell me when you think I'm wrong. I need you to argue with me. If you think something is wrong, then I want you to tell me, no matter what it is," she twisted her wrist so she could grip his hand, "And I need you to know that I am responsible for every decision made. Whether you agree with me or not. You are absolved of responsibility once I've okayed something. Everything ends with me, you understand?"

Carson shook his head slightly, "That's a terrible burden to bear alone."

"Its mine to bear," she answered, "…We're changing, you, me, everyone here. We're not," she shook her head, "I'm not…accustomed to making choices I feel are deeply wrong…but if it keeps people alive…there are casualties, I know…but…I have to keep people from harm…" Elizabeth tightened her grip on his hand, "I can stand knowing I'm guilty…" she wasn't sure how much of that was true, "I can't if I know you're blaming yourself too."

He smiled sadly, "Comes with the territory I'm afraid. Lives in my hands and all. …I'll always feel it."

Elizabeth blinked several times, trying to stop tears that threatened to escape her. She gazed back at him through shining eyes, "…Me too."

**Fin**


End file.
